Who are you when the sun settles in?
Does the atmosphere of the night touch you in ways you dreamed of feeling with me?
I breathe in sights of stars I will never reach
Each one meaning the same thing
Crumpled up visions of beauty with you
I miss every detail and all the physiological effects
I painted the memory of your face when my fingers touched your neck
You left them there
I know you care
For fucks sake;
I do, too.
But, just like you expressed
This failed the fucking test
Insert excuses
It’s not enough for not-yet-love
Everything that’s happened is everything I was afraid of
Still it’s not your fault
I continue without the least bit of vexation
Toward the one who makes me happy just by living.

So genuinely sincere are my dear feelings toward you. Not in an unrealistic way, either. Not in an anything way but a respectful way. What’s it called when you appreciate someone for just being alive? For making you laugh so fucking much even though you know they weren’t even fucking trying. For caring about you in the subtle ways – being so sparing in what they allow you to know they know about you. All the others, at least so many I suppose, they’re all about winning me over and I love it and all but there’s something super lovely about a man not necessarily doing that. By him understanding that he has a genuine connection with you so he continues on with it naturally, perhaps because he is not ready or able to necessarily commit to a stronger pursuit. It was so special to me because despite this there was still a bond there and forming, at times faster than my mind could even process. If your eyes ever come across this, feel free to text me I’m an idiot, making it sound like death took over you or something. It’s just that, in a way, to me, it did. The hopes I had for the person I was getting to know fell through so, for both our sakes, I’ve laid that version of you to rest. Now, you’re just as significant and special to me, just without the expectations or the silly stuff I shouldn’t have bothered to think about in the first fuckin’ place. No matter. All is well. I just need time. I’ve refocused and all I see in the coming future is progress and me.



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