To you. And you. And you. And you.

I figure, why not? Write a reflective post about 2018, that is. I suppose on first thought I didn’t want to, as I consider it a bit tacky to do. But, the more I think about it, I ought to get these thoughts out as a final statement before the year is officially up.

The beginning of 2018 was both very lovely and very dark for me. I was taken back in by my auntie and uncle after having been rightfully kicked out six weeks prior. I was newly sober and in extensive therapy directed toward treating my diagnosis of borderline personality disorder, as well as marijuana and alcohol dependence. This was not an issue for quite some time, staying sober, particularly due to the roof over my head, stability of a home and my familiar, supportive environment being dependent on my sobriety. Again, rightfully so. While this was easy for me to maintain without issue for several months, I still struggled with managing my emotions. I was struggling with black and white thinking, going to extremes of pure bliss and wanting to die. I was battling that deep ingrained emotion mind with the budding wise mind I was learning to utilize with the help of my DBT group. Distress tolerance skills were learned and used throughout these first several months. I did a lot of self soothing by painting my nails, dressing up, reading, writing, lighting candles, doing puzzles, bonding with family and friends, eating..ha, but you get the picture. It was the very first stage of me finding healthy coping skills that work for me that I can turn to instead of dwelling on the thought of killing myself over something that won’t matter in a week. It worked, that is until late May. I had a slip and got too emotional after sneaking alcohol one night and overdosed. I slept it off but it fucked me up to the point where I deeply regretted what I did and was scared of what could have happened. My actions proved to have further consequences, that of which is okay now but was life changing to say the least. In the midst of that madness, I found myself lucky enough to be taken to Ireland by aforementioned auntie and uncle and, all in all, had a very wondrous and pleasant experience. I hope they know how thankful I am for that time, as well as for the second chance of being taken back in – the forgiving and accepting and learning and teaching and more forgiving and even for the consequences and the what-have-yous. Soon after we got back from Ireland, I began drinking more, sneaking still of course. Between the pressures of home and from my new relationship, and from being unhappy with myself for lying to my family and my BPD group about my use, I was feeling very depressed and manic. I found myself in a web of lies and, again, justifiably kicked out. My boyfriend broke up with me two days later. I stayed with my lovely best friend for a few months while I was getting myself back on my feet and then moved in with my brother and his family after we lost his father in law in September. I’ve been working since, without issue. I’m in a different state so I have a new therapist, and things are going great with him. I’ve remained single since July, though my heart found a new home in September. You’d think, maybe, with our roadblocks that the heartache it brings me would keep me down and far away…but it does not. It will not. Unless he needs, though I hope he does not. And even though I can’t quite put him on the backburner, I remain in the front, too. And on the bigger one, at that. I feel so happy. Truly. Really. I have been so happy. And sad sometimes, too. Mostly missing papa and Angel and this big, ol right-person-wrong-time goober. But, it’s all okay. It’s all alright. Really. I have been repeatedly told lately how confident I am and it almost shocks me that I’m giving off that vibe – especially that obviously and frequently to be mentioned. But, I suppose it is true. I am confident. I am trusting myself and my actions and those of those closet to me much, much more. Mmph. Trust. I trust you, you. What a beautiful infliction.

I suppose that brings me to today. Just hanging out with the family and jamming out to my tunes. Pondering my favorite beauty… how I wish I could summon the strength to confess to you just how truly wonderful you make me feel…and how broken I get…so many tears I’ve shed missing you. But, to me, you big, beautiful, gorgeous, dimple faced, red bearded fuck, it’s too worth it.

Thank you, 2018 for bringing me hardships and simplicities. Thank you for my loving family, all of em. Thank you for work and my education, my writer’s mind and restless hands. Thank you for my friends, my helpers. My loves. Thank you for this growth mindset. For my new and improved confidence, influenced by those most precious to me. Thank you to the two men who passionately cared for me throughout this year – Nick, I had so much fun with you and will always be grateful for your patience, support and love. And, then…there’s big bear. And his three smiles. That I see in my mind all throughout each day. Even though things just can’t quite be, I am so thankful for you and what our friendship has taught me. In such short time. I have found myself again. With your indirect help, perhaps even more-so due to the newest of our separating circumstances, I’m again helping myself in the best ways and I keep getting told that I glow and I can’t help but want to thank you.

Here’s to life’s surprises of 2019. May they keep us grounded…at least overall :o)

Cassandra Mary


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